What Should I Do if My Husband, Fiancé or Boyfriend is Battling Sexual Addiction?
You’re Not Alone & It’s Not Your Fault!
"...He lied to me. He completely betrayed my trust..."
"I felt like there was no where to turn. My family would say I was prude. His family would call me a liar. My friends were so loyal they would hate him. And the church would surely kick us out. Not to mention that a good wife guards her husband's heart and reputation as I've always heard preached out of Proverbs 31. Talking to anyone about it would be a betrayal to his trust that God would not honor. I didn't dare tell anyone..."
"...But the idea that I had to keep silent was the biggest lie I fell for. When I broke the silence of my husband's addiction to a close friend, and then to a counselor, the chains that held my heart began to break. When my non-church friends loved us anyway, and my church friends prayed for us, the addiction started to lose power. And when we were both able to voice it without shame, the power of the addiction was completely broken. I want every woman out there to know... You are not at fault. And you are not alone."
Gloria
Hawley, PA
Knowledge Is Power, Become Informed!
1 - Stay sane, i.e. don’t immediately decide you must divorce your husband or break up with your boyfriend. Don’t demand immediate healing on his part. Restoration for him will take TIME; Like wise healing on your part will take TIME too.
2 – Recognize you will feel pain and grief, but the only way to heal the pain is to go through it, not deny it. Find the support you need through a women’s healing group (such as Imago’s “Women’s Healing Journey”, friends who understand and care about what you’re going through and/or individual counseling.) Don’t isolate yourself!
3 - Focus on taking care of yourself and talking about your feelings. Remember, the only person you can change and the only person you are responsible for in this matter, is you.
4 - This is not about you. Don’t accept responsibility for his addiction. You are not to blame! He was probably this way long before you met him. You would never be pretty enough, skinny enough or give him enough sex. This is about concealed pain he has carried around for years which he needs to deal with.
There’s Always Hope!
5 – Gain insight and understanding into his addiction by reading recovery/addiction literature. There are several good books written from a Christian perspective for partners of sexual addicts. Here are a few:
Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars by Marsha Means
Coming through With Grace by Kate Morgan
An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall
Partners: Healing from His Addiction by Douglas Weiss
6 - As you feel strong enough to set boundaries regarding this issue. Don’t put trust in his words alone. Be sure you believe his behaviors. Some of the behaviors you’ll want to see that will indicate he is changing are:
He is praying and spending time in God’s Word every day.
He is in a weekly accountability/sexual sobriety group (because he cannot heal on his own).
He is calling his accountability partner every week.
He is devouring recovery/addiction literature in order to better understand his addiction.
And then back to the basics – he is praying and cultivating his own relationship with the Lord.
This is a witness “test” to rebuilding trust. You should not police him or attempt to control him in these areas. If changes are going to be real and lasting they must come from him.
You will know the truth and the truth will set you free” John 8:32
7 - Make choices that foster your love for God and deepen your relationship and trust in Him:
Spend time every day with your loving Heavenly Father. Truly, no one understands your pain quite like Him for He too was betrayed by his loved ones.
Focus on the truth of God’s Word. “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
Talk with Jesus. Tell Him how you’re feeling. Don’t keep any secrets from Him. “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.” Psalm 32:3
Pray for the man in your life who is battling for sexual purity.
8 - Believe there is hope and a future for you. See Jeremiah 29:11-13. Choose to go on living, no matter what happens to your relationship. There is always hope for YOU when you decide to focus on YOUR healing, YOUR wise choices, and YOUR loving Lord.
For I know “ the thoughts I have for you”, says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
The Power of Prayer!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
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Remember you are not alone. There is hope and healing. This brochure is intended to be a catalyst for your healing. The following ministries are available to begin your journey.
New Life Ministries 1-800-NEW-LIFE www.newlife.com
Foundation Counseling 1-877-414-HOPE www.foundationscounseling.org
For more resources please visit www.brooksidechurchpa.com
where you’ll find recommended books, links, and recovery groups.